I Slay

I don't struggle with self-esteem not because I think I'm "pretty," but because God showed me my worth and I chose(choose) to believe Him.

Here's how He showed me...

Those that are close to me have always known me to have high self-esteem or at least that was until I got involved with this one guy.

I believe five months into that thing I felt as small as an ant. One of my friends was like, I've never seen you like this before. Someone who didn't even know me was like you're miserable because you're disobedient. Then she kept going, looking directly into my life, she was like those men don't see you (referring to my heart, my worth, my value)...they just see you (referring to my physical appearance)...

This was completely accurate and I knew it.

Although God could have done without me putting myself in that position and enduring the grief of that experience, it became as a refinement process for me. Causing the dross in my heart to be revealed and bringing me to a place of decision...

To live with it, remaining broken, or to be free from it, allowing God to heal me.

I chose to be free.

I went on a beauty fast. No makeup. Nothing extra. I didn't wear anything that was super special because I didn't want to draw any extra attention to myself. I didn't want to be noticed based on my looks because my confidence in them was what had gotten me into trouble.

I had slipped into so much narcissism, pride, and self-love, that I was determined to crucify it. For example, the only reason I initially started dating is because I saw women getting older and getting older alone. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought this is not my life. I didn't even know pride was there and confidence in my appearance existed until it was confronted.

#ThankGodForTheConfrontation

Having almost been consumed and ruined from the inside out I was ready to surrender. I was ready to kill this dragon and slay this vicious beast. I was ready to slay the thing that tried to slay me. I was ready to partner with God and slay my ego.

Now, I don't need anyone to compliment me. I can feel like a queen in sneakers or heels. Though naturally, I want to be desired - who doesn't, I don't just want any man to desire me. I'd rather wait for someone who will take interest in me for the right reasons and someone that can also match my inner dopeness - joke. Seriously, I'd accept this any day, rather than connecting with someone who can only see the outer me, because if they don't know the inner me they can never truly appreciate or value any part of me.

My point? I have learned confidence in myself will fail, so I exchanged my confidence for His. And I am fully convinced in His thoughts about my worth and my value.

And when that ego tries to jump back in and direct my destiny, I do as Paul and spiritually beat my body to make it subject to Christ, because believe me it tries to come back! (1 Corinthians 9:27)

Do you think you could believe? Will you let Him show you your true value? Can you let Him show you your worth? It's beyond anything that is seen to the natural eye. My hope is that you will and that this small snippet from my life will impress you to allow God to do what He's done for me, plus even more, in your life.

“Don’t give something that is holy to dogs. They will only turn and hurt you. And don’t throw your pearls to pigs. They will only step on them.
Matthew 7:6 Easy-to-Read Version

 

Amber Mcafee